We naturally think a couple is made of two people and for good reasons.  When two individuals start being romantically involved and choose to be together, this notion of “couple,” or a pair of people teaming up on their life’s journey, takes form in our minds. Intuitively, we begin thinking of a new relationship as an ensemble of two folks. Right? Well, we think it’s false. The “Couple Notion” is a Myth.

Intuitively, we begin thinking of a new relationship as an ensemble of two folks. Well, we think…
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You see when a couple gets formed, the new “unit” may look like it is a party of two, but the reality is very different. It’s more a group than anything else; it’s an extension of two. Both partners are bringing all kinds of folks along for the ride: parents, friends, siblings, work colleagues, maybe children, extended family members, ex’s, fellow college students, etc. And that group will change for sure as the couple lives on. Some new members will be added while others will simply leave.  However, the couple’s reality is that its core group members will stick around and, like it or not, will have an influence on the couple’s relationship.

Soooooo… since a couple is truly an ensemble composed of a group of people, why are we surprised of its complexity? Look, human beings are emotional containers. We all start off the ride with what God has
already poured in us, but as we go on, we continue to fill up our emotional containers with layers of physical and spiritual experiences. Some of these layers obviously get thicker than others and simply carry more sensitive weight. That’s why the fabric of it all makes up for who we are, or as many say, the product of our environment is simply “who we end up being.”

That’s why we need to be conscious of that if we intend to see our relationship flourish. To be clear, we are not advocating that you should kick out all of your acquaintances and focus solely on your partner. In fact, it’s not only good to be inclusive and share our lives with others, it is also a responsibility. But what we are saying is that at one point, we all need to step back and remember what made us a couple at the first place! The plain reality is that we did not fall in love with our significant other’s group members. We loved the other person first and then came the crowd… If you truly care about your relationship, at one point it is very healthy to take time to step back together, just you two without the entourage. And with the summer in full bloom, it is a great opportunity to isolate “couples only time.”  A time for love rejuvenation!

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No one wants to get close to the “F” word in one’s romantic life. Yes, “Failure” is one of those words that can activate all of our senses in a flip of a second. We Don’t Wanna See It; Don’t Wanna Hear It or Don’t Wanna Touch It… Just the thought of It gives us nausea! And the smell… PLEASE!  So how can you kill the “F” word to move on in your romantic life?  

Before we answer the question, let’s define “romantic failures.” As aching as they are, we believe they need to be examined with a different set of eyeglasses. Look, we know it hurts, but there is an old quote that says:

Does this mean LOVE is a game of trial and error? Not necessarily. Hey, some nail it on their first attempt while many of us have bitten the dust a few times. Same was true in school remember? You busted your butt studying for the exam only to get a “C-“ (or worst… an “F”!) while your friend admittedly spent no time and got the “A+”… That’s just the way it is.

Therefore, we strongly think the so-called “romantic failures” should rather be looked at as “romantic setbacks.” Truly. A Romantic Setback can be an opportunity for a Life Changing Comeback. But like any worthwhile journey, the change can only be made when we take it step-by-step.

1. Draw A Portrait

Law Enforcement Squads do that all over the world when they chase down the bad guys. First, they analyze the crime scene with minute details. Then, they ask the Police Sketch Artist to get to work and draw what is known as a “facial composite.” They’ll also bring Shrinks in to analyze crime patterns. In a nutshell, they’ll make up as precise a portrait as they can of the individual they wish to one day take off the streets. If we “failed” more than once in our love life, why don’t we do the same, to make sure he/she gets the heck off our street? Why don’t we make a portrait of the type of person we keep falling for? What does he or she look like? What was I attracted to at the beginning? Where did we meet? Etc.

2. Become A Master

Some say, “If you wanna get better, you gotta work on your weaknesses.” We think this is good advice, if in fact, all you’re looking for is to “get better.” However, if you want to MASTER your love life, what we say is, “Copy the MASTERS, Focus on Your Strengths.” The top entertainers, business moguls, sports athletes, and so on; the ones that make it at the very top of their respective field do just that. They focus on their strengths to make them even stronger! Because that’s what sets them apart as MASTERS!
So what are your biggest strengths and attributes in a relationship? How can you make them stronger?

If we want to MASTER our love life, we need to ACT LIKE MASTERS and FOCUS ON OUR STRENGTHS
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3. Take Ownership

We should always be looking for internal factors rather than external ones whenever we try to assess “what happened?” In other words, we need to take a close look at our own behaviour in the relationship rather than considering only the other party’s behaviour.
Listen. We know he was a jerk……. We understand she betrayed you…….
However, will he or she help you to move forward now? Of course not! So we need to be able to Take Ownership and ask ourselves the tough questions. Questions like: “What is it that I did to bring me to where I am? When did I first know things were going sour? What could I have done to prevent this?” Etc.

4. Try Gratefulness

Yes you heard that one many times before… but it’s true! Here’s the deal though: you can’t be phony. You have to be TRUE. Again we understand this is easier said than done. The plain truth is, sometimes we have to get mad before we can ever find the place of gratefulness.
So what is it that I am mad about? Is it the financial debts? Ok. Separation costs can be bitchy.
Is it that he left me for my “best friend?” Ouch… and Re-Ouch…
Or, is it that I feel I lost X good years of my life? That’s a tough one too. Time is the only non-renewable commodity we all have.
Whatever it is that we are mad about, we have to acknowledge it first. Brushing it under the rug will only deprive us from the invaluable teaching lessons we can find in each of our frustrations. Then, and only then, can we start to try to be TRULY grateful for what we experienced. Like it or not, there was some good stuff in there.

5. Practice Forgiveness

This one is First Cousin with our #4 step. You know the “mad stuff” we talked about? Thing is, we can’t carry that stuff forever. It’s just a too heavy load! Too many of us get stuck in our past. We keep playing the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves, others or circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that if you want to kill the “F” word to move on in your romantic life, we need to learn to forgive ourselves, or the others, for whatever happened. Understand that forgiveness does not mean we have to make of our Ex our new BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing. What it means is, when we forgive, we are giving ourselves permission to move forward and love again.

The post 5 Steps To Kill The “F” Word And Move On In Your Romantic Life appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.