So, we question this “phenomenon.” We examine if it is any different from our own universe and if there is anything that can be done to prevent a relationship to go sour or even, terminated.

 Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber. Photo: Andrew Evans / PR Photos

Aren’t you grateful about the long checkout lines at the supermarket? No? Well, we are! For us, it’s the perfect venue to catch up on the “state of relationships” in Hollywood. Here’s a recap of what we recently saw glancing at the magazine stands:

 “Oprah’s had ENOUGH!
She’s shown Stedman the door!”…

“Brangelina… IT’S OVER!”

“After 11 years, Liev and Naomi
are calling it quits”

And on and on it goes. So…
…are celebrities doomed for more
breakups than most of us? 

We’re not sure about that. However, “what we know for sure” (okay, that’s Oprah’s line) for having been down that road in our “former lives,” is that a separation after many years in a relationship is heart breaking, especially when it involves children.

Celebrities are human beings. They too can suffer from a broken heart. And the reasons that trigger their breakups are no different than ours:

Celebrities R humans. They too can suffer from a broken heart. The reasons that trigger their…
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• It’s demanding  careers.
• It’s new personal interests.
• It’s family life pressure or even health issues.
• It’s cheating.
• It’s a lack of communication.
• It’s loss of trust.
• Etc.

All of these are issues that don’t usually just blow up. They’re more like a balloon that’s been seeping air for a long time. After a while, it becomes deflated. So, is there a cure for all of this, a way to prevent deflategate (sorry Tom!…) in a relationship?
There is certainly not one straight answer to that question. We think it varies a lot in proportion to “how much damage” has been done in the relationship.

Can a relationship be salvaged when a lot of damage has been done?

Regardless of how toxic a relationship has become, one of the major reason people continue to hold on, is the fact that they have a shared history. A history made of kids, friends, family, and all sorts of memories. A history that once started with a “vision.”

When you look at “successful couples,” the ones that seem to go through thick and thin together, they all seem to have one key fundamental in place.  They have a compelling, aspirational and clear vision of what they intend to aim for together. That’s what makes them stronger, inspire them to move forward, guard them against futile arguments and events that start maliciously to seep their air. In short, their crystallized vision serves many purposes but the primary one helps them remember “why” they are together at the first place. (For more on Couple’s Visions, check out our post “4 Principles To Help You Become A Power Couple”)

However, when a relationship never had a real common vision and a lot of damage has already been done, the harsh truth is, sometimes it may be more harmful for the couple to stay together. And let’s also look at another reality: a breakup is a time to reflect on the relationship and make an honest self-assessment before jumping into another one. Every romantic setback is an opportunity for a life-changing comeback.

As for Liev and Naomi, it appears that they are moving on individually with their lives. In a statement the former couple said that they were looking forward to co-parenting their boys and “exploring this new phase of our relationship.”  We wish them, and all other celebs on the front of our gossip magazines, all the very best.

The post Are Celebrities Doomed For More Breakups Than Most of Us? appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

This is a true story. A few weeks ago, I was asked to share my views with the editor of a popular blog platform on the “unwanted effects of divorce” and “how people can pick up what’s left of their lives and move on.”  In other words, they wanted to know my separation recovery recipe.

After browsing the web for a few hours, I decided to step outside to do a bit of work around the house, but mainly, to digest what my main findings were. This is something I do on a regular basis, not the manual work (trust me on this…), but the habit of getting away from my desk after a while to let my brain do the processing.

As I was weeding out our driveway, the UPS truck showed up with a delivery. We order a lot of stuff online from shoes to clothing, so this was not an unusual event. However, what unfolded after really was one of those “omen” moments.

Through the years, I had seen that UPS driver dozens of times in our neighbourhood and pulling in front of our house. Aside from the customary nods or “thank you’s,” him and I had never engaged in a real conversation. That particular afternoon though, after I had buried my head in all sorts of divorce data, out of the blue my “new friend” started to share some very personal stuff with me. He confessed that  “his wife of 30+ years” had recently left him. According to his version of things -I never got to hear the other party- this was something he had never seen coming, and thus, was completely devastated…

It is a situation a lot more common than most people think. A study published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information, correlates that about two thirds of divorces in the United States are initiated by women. Many other studies in the U.K. show percentages as high as 72% for a “female initiated divorce.” Of course experts have examined all kinds of gendered, cultural and societal data to try to explain their findings, but the fact remains: many men find themselves facing an unwanted divorce or separation.

Apart from encouraging him and wishing him all the best, I didn’t do any coaching with the Delivery Man that afternoon. He had a route to cater to and I had to continue to battle the weeds infestation… But I have worked with a good bunch of men who fit his profile. Do you want to know what they have in common? Aside from the obvious pain that they all partake, the unifying thread I found with most of them is one that still baffles me whenever hear it: THEY DIDN’T SEE IT COMING! And they say this with convincing emotions! They had no clue the relationship was in jeopardy so this divorce/separation “thing” came in as a total surprise.

So the question is:
Are divorces or separations more difficult for a man or for a woman?

No it’s not. We strongly believe the pain is not limited to, or more intense for a specific gender. However, what we agree with is that “the unwanted effects of divorce/separation” and “how people can pick up what’s left of their lives and move on,” depends heavily on this: how one can muster the courage to look at oneself with the utmost honesty.

Those are the most important ingredients to overcome such situations: COURAGE and HONESTY. That’s why you’ll find them in each of this 3-Course Meal Separation Recovery Recipe.

1st Course: Denial Is Only Denying You

Whether you are a man or a woman, you need to read this carefully if you’re amongst the
“I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING GUYS…”
Maybe you heard him or her saying on the way out “It’s not you…It’s me.” And you bought that. So perhaps you’ve been repeating to your pals and to yourself:
“We had it all! We had the perfect relationship!”
Listen, you did not. Because He or She left! There were clues. There’s always “writing on the wall.” Bottom line is this: you lived in denial.

Deep down, you knew something was off. But you chose to look the other way. You chose to deny it, and because you did, now you still make the same decision to carry on with it. You keep on saying, “I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.” Stop the denial. The time has come for you to look at your own behaviour in that relationship and take responsibility. It’s about owning and understanding your behaviour. Look back at the clues and ask yourself “What could I have done to prevent this?” Here’s a starting hint: ADDRESSING a situation will ALWAYS improve your outcome rather than IGNORING it. Denial is only Denying You.

Rather than IGNORING, ADDRESS the situation. Denial is only Denying You.
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2nd Course: Stop The Blaming Game

We find that too many of us get stuck in our past. We play what we call the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves and blaming the others or the circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that THIS IS NOT ABOUT the OTHER or the CIRCUMSTANCES, THIS IS ABOUT YOU, so it means taking responsibility for your results.

In order to move ahead with our lives, at one point we need to learn to forgive ourselves or the other for whatever happened. It’s certainly not an easy thing to do. It’s sometimes really hard, but understand that forgiveness does not mean that what the person did is not wrong, or that we have to transform our Ex into our BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing… What it means is, when we take responsibility and we forgive ourselves first, we are in fact giving ourselves permission to move forward. Forgiveness is our Free Pass to Love!
Stop the Blaming Game.

3rd Course: Let Go And Let God

You heard that one before and although we can’t take the credit for it, this is one we use not only in our coaching but in our personal lives as well. Whether we like it or not, there are things in this life that are totally out of our control, things that we just don’t understand. Maybe you did have the “perfect deal” with your now ex-mate. Perhaps there is nothing you could have done to prevent the breakup. Why don’t you turn to God and let Him carry the load?

Our experience has been that when we do, when we accept that we’re only human and that we need Divine Intervention, with time not only does it lead us to a place of peacefulness, it also gives us the responses we just could not see before, and, it shows us why we had to live through certain things. We hope it can be the same for you. Let Go and Let God.

The post Our 3-Course Meal Separation Recovery Recipe appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

No one wants to get close to the “F” word in one’s romantic life. Yes, “Failure” is one of those words that can activate all of our senses in a flip of a second. We Don’t Wanna See It; Don’t Wanna Hear It or Don’t Wanna Touch It… Just the thought of It gives us nausea! And the smell… PLEASE!  So how can you kill the “F” word to move on in your romantic life?  

Before we answer the question, let’s define “romantic failures.” As aching as they are, we believe they need to be examined with a different set of eyeglasses. Look, we know it hurts, but there is an old quote that says:

Does this mean LOVE is a game of trial and error? Not necessarily. Hey, some nail it on their first attempt while many of us have bitten the dust a few times. Same was true in school remember? You busted your butt studying for the exam only to get a “C-“ (or worst… an “F”!) while your friend admittedly spent no time and got the “A+”… That’s just the way it is.

Therefore, we strongly think the so-called “romantic failures” should rather be looked at as “romantic setbacks.” Truly. A Romantic Setback can be an opportunity for a Life Changing Comeback. But like any worthwhile journey, the change can only be made when we take it step-by-step.

1. Draw A Portrait

Law Enforcement Squads do that all over the world when they chase down the bad guys. First, they analyze the crime scene with minute details. Then, they ask the Police Sketch Artist to get to work and draw what is known as a “facial composite.” They’ll also bring Shrinks in to analyze crime patterns. In a nutshell, they’ll make up as precise a portrait as they can of the individual they wish to one day take off the streets. If we “failed” more than once in our love life, why don’t we do the same, to make sure he/she gets the heck off our street? Why don’t we make a portrait of the type of person we keep falling for? What does he or she look like? What was I attracted to at the beginning? Where did we meet? Etc.

2. Become A Master

Some say, “If you wanna get better, you gotta work on your weaknesses.” We think this is good advice, if in fact, all you’re looking for is to “get better.” However, if you want to MASTER your love life, what we say is, “Copy the MASTERS, Focus on Your Strengths.” The top entertainers, business moguls, sports athletes, and so on; the ones that make it at the very top of their respective field do just that. They focus on their strengths to make them even stronger! Because that’s what sets them apart as MASTERS!
So what are your biggest strengths and attributes in a relationship? How can you make them stronger?

If we want to MASTER our love life, we need to ACT LIKE MASTERS and FOCUS ON OUR STRENGTHS
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3. Take Ownership

We should always be looking for internal factors rather than external ones whenever we try to assess “what happened?” In other words, we need to take a close look at our own behaviour in the relationship rather than considering only the other party’s behaviour.
Listen. We know he was a jerk……. We understand she betrayed you…….
However, will he or she help you to move forward now? Of course not! So we need to be able to Take Ownership and ask ourselves the tough questions. Questions like: “What is it that I did to bring me to where I am? When did I first know things were going sour? What could I have done to prevent this?” Etc.

4. Try Gratefulness

Yes you heard that one many times before… but it’s true! Here’s the deal though: you can’t be phony. You have to be TRUE. Again we understand this is easier said than done. The plain truth is, sometimes we have to get mad before we can ever find the place of gratefulness.
So what is it that I am mad about? Is it the financial debts? Ok. Separation costs can be bitchy.
Is it that he left me for my “best friend?” Ouch… and Re-Ouch…
Or, is it that I feel I lost X good years of my life? That’s a tough one too. Time is the only non-renewable commodity we all have.
Whatever it is that we are mad about, we have to acknowledge it first. Brushing it under the rug will only deprive us from the invaluable teaching lessons we can find in each of our frustrations. Then, and only then, can we start to try to be TRULY grateful for what we experienced. Like it or not, there was some good stuff in there.

5. Practice Forgiveness

This one is First Cousin with our #4 step. You know the “mad stuff” we talked about? Thing is, we can’t carry that stuff forever. It’s just a too heavy load! Too many of us get stuck in our past. We keep playing the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves, others or circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that if you want to kill the “F” word to move on in your romantic life, we need to learn to forgive ourselves, or the others, for whatever happened. Understand that forgiveness does not mean we have to make of our Ex our new BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing. What it means is, when we forgive, we are giving ourselves permission to move forward and love again.

The post 5 Steps To Kill The “F” Word And Move On In Your Romantic Life appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.