Principle #1: Have a Couple’s Vision
Couples with no compelling, aspirational and clear visions don’t tend to last. Of course you and us know several “unions” that have gone on for decades without any such thing. They’ve stuck (the verb seems appropriate here…) together in spite of passion, respect or love, for financial reasons, the kids or something else…

“Power Couples” all have a compelling, aspirational and clear vision of what they intend to aim for together. That’s what makes them stronger, inspire them to move forward and guard them against futile arguments that can turn into unproductive fights. Once you crystallized your vision, it will serve many purposes but the primary one will be to help you remember “why” you are together at the first place.

“Power Couples” all have a compelling, aspirational and clear vision of what they intend to aim…
Click To Tweet

Principle #2: Taboo Talks
We all have taboos as individuals, stuff that we want to keep hidden under the rug for no one to see. Couples are no different, but when taboos remain unaddressed, they can turn any benign event into a big drama that could have been avoided in the first place. What are the taboos in your relationship? Is it a former lover? The fact that you are financially “better off” than your partner? Is it your kids versus hers? Or an unsatisfying sex life?

Whatever it is, unveil those taboos, talk about it and establish a satisfactory protocol between the two of you that will help you manage “potential dramas.” Such protocol could be as simple as saying:
“Hon, I think we are entering taboo territory here so let’s be cautious about what we are gonna say or do.”
It could also be:
“You know what, this (fill in the blank) is totally off limits for me. I just want you to be sensitive about it because I am not ready to address it.”

Wonder Woman and Superman Power Couple

Principle #3: Use a Conflicts Resolutions System
The verb “conflict” is often defined as “to come into collision.” We’re sure you’ve been there in your couple. The thing is, it’s so easy to get irrational when conflict arises. Our experience has been that real conflicts happen when an important decision, one that will ultimately affect the couple and/or the family, needs to be taken. Just to name a few, it could be a career change, the purchase of a new home or the necessity to have an elderly parent move-in with the family. While this may sound simplistic, we have learned to manage conflicts with scorecards. Yes scorecards! Allow us to share a personal example here.

We have bought two homes together. As it seems to always happen with a couple about to make such an important transaction, each time we both had slightly different visions for the whole thing. So we established a scoring system that helped us keep our emotions in check! We individually made a list of criterions that were important to us: size of the house, airport proximity, garage, swimming pool, price, type of community, lot size, age of the house, distance to golf course, municipal taxes, etc. We then reconciled our lists, agreed to put points next to each criterion and total them up. Each time we visited a house, we would score each of them individually and then share our result. We also established that if our scoring system totalled a maximum of 100 points, the “passing mark” for any house to be considered would have to be no less than 70 for BOTH OF US. That type of system has made wonders in our relationship, not only with our real estate transactions but also with any other major decisions for which we wanted to leave our emotions aside.

Principle #4: Set your Couples’ Laws
Even Power Couples quarrel from time to time. There is nothing damaging about it provided you have boundaries that will protect and not jeopardize your relationship. Think of them as “Couples’ Laws” that must be established ahead of time before any arguments arise. This prevents sentiments to blind you from the issue at hand. Examples of Couples’ Laws could be:

• We will not interrupt each other when one’s giving his/her perspective.
• It’s not about being right. It’s about getting to a common ground and resolve the problem.
• We will be respectful and weigh our words before unleashing them so we won’t regret saying them.
• Sometimes we will agree to disagree. This may mean we will step back, take the time to reflect and snooze on it a little…

The post 4 Principles to Help You Become a Power Couple appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

When we first got romantically involved –it was in the Spring Season- the sparks, went off… But the best way to describe some of the fireworks is probably from our individual perspectives, so let’s hear it.

Mario: “I was so in love with Diane that I could not get her off my mind… I wanted to be with her all the time. I remember one instance when I sold the idea to my boss that I “unexpectedly” had to travel to Toronto for a last minute important meeting with Team members… What I really wanted was to surprise Diane who happened to have a business meeting with her employer of the time in the same city. And surprised she was… During our “Spring Season” I wrote her love letters, like one a day for a month. Heck, I also wrote her a love song! I sent messengers to her office with parcels identified as “PERSONAL & CONFIDENTIAL” since I did not want anybody but her to open them up… And like many new couples, we had our songs. So I used to leave her voice mails with one of our songs blasting in the background. It was crazy and wonderful.”

Diane: “When he showed up unannounced in Toronto, that really sealed it for me. It still gives me goose bumps thinking about it. I also loved to jolt Mario with surprises all the time. I sent him flowers to his office regularly because he had once told me that he loved flowers but had never gotten any. So I sent him huge ones, not just your regular bouquets, to the extent that it became a running joke with his working colleagues:

“Ok guys, Cloutier just got another one today. He’s showing off again!”

I too rearranged my working schedule multiple times whenever possible so we could travel together. I guess early on we both decided not to take each other for granted. So you’d see us inviting one another to a night out in the middle of the week and we’d stay home when most couples wouldn’t.” 

When we revisit that “sparks” period of our relationship, what strikes us is that we have continued to do many of those things through the 18 years that we’ve been together. But like any other couples, we too have had our fights, trials and tests, many of which we talk in great details in our book. When we are asked, “How do you keep going strong? How do you overcome your fights?”

Mr & Mrs Smith, 2005, 20th Century Fox

Well, we would certainly not recommend you copy Brad and Angelina… The first thing for sure is always to try to keep our emotions in check. It’s easier said than done but it’s always a good start. Secondly, we default to a set of tools, a “protocol” that helps us avoid the minefield…
We’ve called it the 4 Fundamentals to avoid the Fight or Flight in your couple
Fundamental #1: Have a Couple’s Vision
Couples with no compelling, aspirational and clear visions don’t tend to last. Of course you and us know several “unions” that have gone on for decades without any such thing. They’ve stuck (the verb seems appropriate here…) together in spite of passion, respect or love, for financial reasons, the kids or something else…

“Power Couples” all have a compelling, aspirational and clear vision of what they intend to aim for together. That’s what makes them stronger, inspire them to move forward and guard them against futile arguments that can turn into unproductive fights. Once you crystallized your vision, it will serve many purposes but the primary one will be to help you remember “why” you are together at the first place.

Power Couples have a compelling, aspirational and clear vision of what they intend to aim for…
Click To Tweet

Fundamental #2: Taboo Talks
We all have taboos as individuals, stuff that we want to keep hidden under the rug for no one to see. Couples are no different, but when taboos remain unaddressed, they can turn any benign event into a big drama that could have been avoided in the first place. What are the taboos in your relationship? Is it a former lover? The fact that you are financially “better off” than your partner? Is it your kids versus hers? Or an unsatisfying sex life?

Whatever it is, unveil those taboos, talk about it and establish a satisfactory protocol between the two of you that will help you manage “potential dramas.” Such protocol could be as simple as saying:
“Hon, I think we are entering taboo territory here so let’s be cautious about what we are gonna say or do.”
It could also be:
“You know what, this (fill in the blank) is totally off limits for me. I just want you to be sensitive about it because I am not ready to address it.”

Fundamental #3: Use a Conflicts Resolutions System
The verb “conflict” is often defined as “to come into collision.” We’re sure you’ve been there in your couple. The thing is, it’s so easy to get irrational when conflict arises. Our experience has been that real conflicts happen when an important decision, one that will ultimately affect the couple and/or the family, needs to be taken. Just to name a few, it could be a career change, the purchase of a new home or the necessity to have an elderly parent move-in with the family. Well this may sound simplistic but we have learned to manage conflicts with scorecards. Yes scorecards! Allow us to share a personal example here.

We have bought two homes together. As it seems to always happen with a couple about to make such an important transaction, each time we both had slightly different visions for the whole thing. So we established a scoring system that helped us keep our emotions in check! We individually made a list of criterions that were important to us: size of the house, airport proximity, garage, swimming pool, price, type of community, lot size, age of the house, distance to golf course, municipal taxes, etc. We then reconciled our lists, agreed to put points next to each criterion and total them up. Each time we visited a house, we would score each of them individually and then share our score. We also established that if our scoring system totaled a maximum of 100 points, the “passing mark” for any house to be considered would have to be no less than 70 for BOTH OF US. That type of system has made wonders for us not only with our real estate transactions but also with any other major decisions where we wanted to leave our emotions aside.

Fundamental #4: Set your Couples’ Laws
Even successful couples quarrel from time to time. There is nothing damaging about it provided you have boundaries that will protect and not jeopardize your relationship. Think of them as “Couples’ Laws” that must be established ahead of time before any arguments arise. This prevents sentiments to blind you from the issue at hand. Examples of Couples’ Laws could be:

• We will not interrupt each other when one’s giving his/her perspective.
• It’s not about being right. It’s about getting to a common ground and resolve the problem.
• We will be respectful and weigh our words before unleashing them so we won’t regret saying them.
• Sometimes we will agree to disagree. This may mean we will step back, take the time to reflect and snooze on it a little…

The post 4 Fundamentals to avoid the Fight or Flight in your couple appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

No one wants to get close to the “F” word in one’s romantic life. Yes, “Failure” is one of those words that can activate all of our senses in a flip of a second. We Don’t Wanna See It; Don’t Wanna Hear It or Don’t Wanna Touch It… Just the thought of It gives us nausea! And the smell… PLEASE!  So how can you kill the “F” word to move on in your romantic life?  

Before we answer the question, let’s define “romantic failures.” As aching as they are, we believe they need to be examined with a different set of eyeglasses. Look, we know it hurts, but there is an old quote that says:

Does this mean LOVE is a game of trial and error? Not necessarily. Hey, some nail it on their first attempt while many of us have bitten the dust a few times. Same was true in school remember? You busted your butt studying for the exam only to get a “C-“ (or worst… an “F”!) while your friend admittedly spent no time and got the “A+”… That’s just the way it is.

Therefore, we strongly think the so-called “romantic failures” should rather be looked at as “romantic setbacks.” Truly. A Romantic Setback can be an opportunity for a Life Changing Comeback. But like any worthwhile journey, the change can only be made when we take it step-by-step.

1. Draw A Portrait

Law Enforcement Squads do that all over the world when they chase down the bad guys. First, they analyze the crime scene with minute details. Then, they ask the Police Sketch Artist to get to work and draw what is known as a “facial composite.” They’ll also bring Shrinks in to analyze crime patterns. In a nutshell, they’ll make up as precise a portrait as they can of the individual they wish to one day take off the streets. If we “failed” more than once in our love life, why don’t we do the same, to make sure he/she gets the heck off our street? Why don’t we make a portrait of the type of person we keep falling for? What does he or she look like? What was I attracted to at the beginning? Where did we meet? Etc.

2. Become A Master

Some say, “If you wanna get better, you gotta work on your weaknesses.” We think this is good advice, if in fact, all you’re looking for is to “get better.” However, if you want to MASTER your love life, what we say is, “Copy the MASTERS, Focus on Your Strengths.” The top entertainers, business moguls, sports athletes, and so on; the ones that make it at the very top of their respective field do just that. They focus on their strengths to make them even stronger! Because that’s what sets them apart as MASTERS!
So what are your biggest strengths and attributes in a relationship? How can you make them stronger?

If we want to MASTER our love life, we need to ACT LIKE MASTERS and FOCUS ON OUR STRENGTHS
Click To Tweet

3. Take Ownership

We should always be looking for internal factors rather than external ones whenever we try to assess “what happened?” In other words, we need to take a close look at our own behaviour in the relationship rather than considering only the other party’s behaviour.
Listen. We know he was a jerk……. We understand she betrayed you…….
However, will he or she help you to move forward now? Of course not! So we need to be able to Take Ownership and ask ourselves the tough questions. Questions like: “What is it that I did to bring me to where I am? When did I first know things were going sour? What could I have done to prevent this?” Etc.

4. Try Gratefulness

Yes you heard that one many times before… but it’s true! Here’s the deal though: you can’t be phony. You have to be TRUE. Again we understand this is easier said than done. The plain truth is, sometimes we have to get mad before we can ever find the place of gratefulness.
So what is it that I am mad about? Is it the financial debts? Ok. Separation costs can be bitchy.
Is it that he left me for my “best friend?” Ouch… and Re-Ouch…
Or, is it that I feel I lost X good years of my life? That’s a tough one too. Time is the only non-renewable commodity we all have.
Whatever it is that we are mad about, we have to acknowledge it first. Brushing it under the rug will only deprive us from the invaluable teaching lessons we can find in each of our frustrations. Then, and only then, can we start to try to be TRULY grateful for what we experienced. Like it or not, there was some good stuff in there.

5. Practice Forgiveness

This one is First Cousin with our #4 step. You know the “mad stuff” we talked about? Thing is, we can’t carry that stuff forever. It’s just a too heavy load! Too many of us get stuck in our past. We keep playing the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves, others or circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that if you want to kill the “F” word to move on in your romantic life, we need to learn to forgive ourselves, or the others, for whatever happened. Understand that forgiveness does not mean we have to make of our Ex our new BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing. What it means is, when we forgive, we are giving ourselves permission to move forward and love again.

The post 5 Steps To Kill The “F” Word And Move On In Your Romantic Life appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.

As hard as it is, the scars of broken hearts can be healed.  A recent study by the University of Arizona and Northwestern University now shows that there is an effective recovery path for broken hearts.

Researchers demonstrated that the trial group that spent time assessing their romantic misfortunes recuperated far more quickly than the group that didn’t reflect on their breakups. This confirms our own theory that people need to unpack what caused a relationship to fail if they wish to move forward on the path to romantic recovery. To put it bluntly: Don’t look for new love until you’ve looked hard at yourself. Otherwise, you’re likely to repeat the same painful patterns.

We firmly believe it’s possible to find love again after experiencing a major heartbreak. But, be forewarned: “Possible” doesn’t mean “easy.” The first obstacle to surmount is fear. This is the most critical roadblock to moving forward and finding love again. Fear is often so dominant that it can crush any new budding relationship before it takes bloom.

Anyone oppressed by the weight of fear — whether it’s fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of rejection, and so on — needs to first acknowledge that fear is just a state of mind. Think of it as an acronym for “false evidence appearing real.” It’s important to acknowledge and accept this fact. Otherwise, fear morphs into a delusion that can keep you from starting any promising new relationship.

Follow these three tips to take charge of common fears that preclude you from loving and being loved again.

Focus on your “worthiness”

We are all familiar with the fear of rejection. Many specialists link that fear to childhood. If you once experienced rejection as a child, you’re very likely to avoid it at all costs in your adult relationships. It’s one of our deepest human fears. But if you’ve lived through rejection in a love affair, your scar tissue certainly runs deep.

Instead of falling victim to the fear of rejection by giving up on finding a lifelong mate, take stock of your self-worth. Build a foundation of self-respect based on what makes you your unique self–your life experiences, your successes and disappointments, your personality and your passions. Who you are as an individual makes up your self-worth, and self-worth multiplies “love-worth.”

Who you are as an individual makes up your self-worth, and self-worth multiplies “love-worth.”
Click To Tweet

Fly below the radar at first

Another fear that gets in the way of finding love is an irrational fear of failure or defeat. Whenever those with this phobia confront any scenario in which they sense the possibility of failure, their brain automatically signals a fight or flight reaction and they run for the bushes. But here’s our recommendation: Ease in slowly to any new relationship. It’s better to befriend a romantic interest first. Take the time to show who you are and to truly discover the other person before the stakes become too high. Then, if the chemistry isn’t there or your values don’t align, there’s no crash-and-burn defeat to recover from.

Become better acquainted with…yourself

The fear of being alone forever is another juggernaut. But, when you set out to dissect this fear, you find that it has no substance to it. The fear of being alone is nothing more than a lack of confidence in one’s self. Make a point of remaining single for a while. See this as an opportunity to challenge, examine and evaluate yourself and your previous relationships. Take time to really assess what makes you grateful, as well as your beliefs, your values and your priorities–what we refer to as your “GBVPs.” Confront your relationship patterns by asking: What am I really attracted to in a man/woman? What do I value most in a relationship? Listen to your inner voice to decipher what really is best for you. Then, stop compromising. You should never settle because of the fear of being alone.

We believe the bottom line to truly overcoming fear is faith. Faith is being sure that what we hope for, what we desire, is on its way. Put your faith in God or your Higher Power and you will conquer any fear that gets in your way.

The post New research confirms: Broken hearts Can Be Healed appeared first on ReLovenship - Find Love Again | Relationship Coaches & Love Guides - Mario P. Cloutier & Diane Sawaya-Cloutier.