This is a true story. A few weeks ago, I was asked to share my views with the editor of a popular blog platform on the “unwanted effects of divorce” and “how people can pick up what’s left of their lives and move on.”  In other words, they wanted to know my separation recovery recipe.

After browsing the web for a few hours, I decided to step outside to do a bit of work around the house, but mainly, to digest what my main findings were. This is something I do on a regular basis, not the manual work (trust me on this…), but the habit of getting away from my desk after a while to let my brain do the processing.

As I was weeding out our driveway, the UPS truck showed up with a delivery. We order a lot of stuff online from shoes to clothing, so this was not an unusual event. However, what unfolded after really was one of those “omen” moments.

Through the years, I had seen that UPS driver dozens of times in our neighbourhood and pulling in front of our house. Aside from the customary nods or “thank you’s,” him and I had never engaged in a real conversation. That particular afternoon though, after I had buried my head in all sorts of divorce data, out of the blue my “new friend” started to share some very personal stuff with me. He confessed that  “his wife of 30+ years” had recently left him. According to his version of things -I never got to hear the other party- this was something he had never seen coming, and thus, was completely devastated…

It is a situation a lot more common than most people think. A study published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information, correlates that about two thirds of divorces in the United States are initiated by women. Many other studies in the U.K. show percentages as high as 72% for a “female initiated divorce.” Of course experts have examined all kinds of gendered, cultural and societal data to try to explain their findings, but the fact remains: many men find themselves facing an unwanted divorce or separation.

Apart from encouraging him and wishing him all the best, I didn’t do any coaching with the Delivery Man that afternoon. He had a route to cater to and I had to continue to battle the weeds infestation… But I have worked with a good bunch of men who fit his profile. Do you want to know what they have in common? Aside from the obvious pain that they all partake, the unifying thread I found with most of them is one that still baffles me whenever hear it: THEY DIDN’T SEE IT COMING! And they say this with convincing emotions! They had no clue the relationship was in jeopardy so this divorce/separation “thing” came in as a total surprise.

So the question is:
Are divorces or separations more difficult for a man or for a woman?

No it’s not. We strongly believe the pain is not limited to, or more intense for a specific gender. However, what we agree with is that “the unwanted effects of divorce/separation” and “how people can pick up what’s left of their lives and move on,” depends heavily on this: how one can muster the courage to look at oneself with the utmost honesty.

Those are the most important ingredients to overcome such situations: COURAGE and HONESTY. That’s why you’ll find them in each of this 3-Course Meal Separation Recovery Recipe.

1st Course: Denial Is Only Denying You

Whether you are a man or a woman, you need to read this carefully if you’re amongst the
“I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING GUYS…”
Maybe you heard him or her saying on the way out “It’s not you…It’s me.” And you bought that. So perhaps you’ve been repeating to your pals and to yourself:
“We had it all! We had the perfect relationship!”
Listen, you did not. Because He or She left! There were clues. There’s always “writing on the wall.” Bottom line is this: you lived in denial.

Deep down, you knew something was off. But you chose to look the other way. You chose to deny it, and because you did, now you still make the same decision to carry on with it. You keep on saying, “I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.” Stop the denial. The time has come for you to look at your own behaviour in that relationship and take responsibility. It’s about owning and understanding your behaviour. Look back at the clues and ask yourself “What could I have done to prevent this?” Here’s a starting hint: ADDRESSING a situation will ALWAYS improve your outcome rather than IGNORING it. Denial is only Denying You.

Rather than IGNORING, ADDRESS the situation. Denial is only Denying You.
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2nd Course: Stop The Blaming Game

We find that too many of us get stuck in our past. We play what we call the blaming game. We’re very good at blaming ourselves and blaming the others or the circumstances for what happened in our lives. What is key to understand is, that THIS IS NOT ABOUT the OTHER or the CIRCUMSTANCES, THIS IS ABOUT YOU, so it means taking responsibility for your results.

In order to move ahead with our lives, at one point we need to learn to forgive ourselves or the other for whatever happened. It’s certainly not an easy thing to do. It’s sometimes really hard, but understand that forgiveness does not mean that what the person did is not wrong, or that we have to transform our Ex into our BFF and start hanging out together all the time! Although that could be a wonderful thing… What it means is, when we take responsibility and we forgive ourselves first, we are in fact giving ourselves permission to move forward. Forgiveness is our Free Pass to Love!
Stop the Blaming Game.

3rd Course: Let Go And Let God

You heard that one before and although we can’t take the credit for it, this is one we use not only in our coaching but in our personal lives as well. Whether we like it or not, there are things in this life that are totally out of our control, things that we just don’t understand. Maybe you did have the “perfect deal” with your now ex-mate. Perhaps there is nothing you could have done to prevent the breakup. Why don’t you turn to God and let Him carry the load?

Our experience has been that when we do, when we accept that we’re only human and that we need Divine Intervention, with time not only does it lead us to a place of peacefulness, it also gives us the responses we just could not see before, and, it shows us why we had to live through certain things. We hope it can be the same for you. Let Go and Let God.

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As hard as it is, the scars of broken hearts can be healed.  A recent study by the University of Arizona and Northwestern University now shows that there is an effective recovery path for broken hearts.

Researchers demonstrated that the trial group that spent time assessing their romantic misfortunes recuperated far more quickly than the group that didn’t reflect on their breakups. This confirms our own theory that people need to unpack what caused a relationship to fail if they wish to move forward on the path to romantic recovery. To put it bluntly: Don’t look for new love until you’ve looked hard at yourself. Otherwise, you’re likely to repeat the same painful patterns.

We firmly believe it’s possible to find love again after experiencing a major heartbreak. But, be forewarned: “Possible” doesn’t mean “easy.” The first obstacle to surmount is fear. This is the most critical roadblock to moving forward and finding love again. Fear is often so dominant that it can crush any new budding relationship before it takes bloom.

Anyone oppressed by the weight of fear — whether it’s fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of rejection, and so on — needs to first acknowledge that fear is just a state of mind. Think of it as an acronym for “false evidence appearing real.” It’s important to acknowledge and accept this fact. Otherwise, fear morphs into a delusion that can keep you from starting any promising new relationship.

Follow these three tips to take charge of common fears that preclude you from loving and being loved again.

Focus on your “worthiness”

We are all familiar with the fear of rejection. Many specialists link that fear to childhood. If you once experienced rejection as a child, you’re very likely to avoid it at all costs in your adult relationships. It’s one of our deepest human fears. But if you’ve lived through rejection in a love affair, your scar tissue certainly runs deep.

Instead of falling victim to the fear of rejection by giving up on finding a lifelong mate, take stock of your self-worth. Build a foundation of self-respect based on what makes you your unique self–your life experiences, your successes and disappointments, your personality and your passions. Who you are as an individual makes up your self-worth, and self-worth multiplies “love-worth.”

Who you are as an individual makes up your self-worth, and self-worth multiplies “love-worth.”
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Fly below the radar at first

Another fear that gets in the way of finding love is an irrational fear of failure or defeat. Whenever those with this phobia confront any scenario in which they sense the possibility of failure, their brain automatically signals a fight or flight reaction and they run for the bushes. But here’s our recommendation: Ease in slowly to any new relationship. It’s better to befriend a romantic interest first. Take the time to show who you are and to truly discover the other person before the stakes become too high. Then, if the chemistry isn’t there or your values don’t align, there’s no crash-and-burn defeat to recover from.

Become better acquainted with…yourself

The fear of being alone forever is another juggernaut. But, when you set out to dissect this fear, you find that it has no substance to it. The fear of being alone is nothing more than a lack of confidence in one’s self. Make a point of remaining single for a while. See this as an opportunity to challenge, examine and evaluate yourself and your previous relationships. Take time to really assess what makes you grateful, as well as your beliefs, your values and your priorities–what we refer to as your “GBVPs.” Confront your relationship patterns by asking: What am I really attracted to in a man/woman? What do I value most in a relationship? Listen to your inner voice to decipher what really is best for you. Then, stop compromising. You should never settle because of the fear of being alone.

We believe the bottom line to truly overcoming fear is faith. Faith is being sure that what we hope for, what we desire, is on its way. Put your faith in God or your Higher Power and you will conquer any fear that gets in your way.

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